Bad Advice On Vicious Married Women And Illicit Sex Lattes
Welcome to our latest Bad Advice column! Stay tuned every Tuesday for more terrible guidance based on actual letters.
“I would like to ask some questions of married women. What makes you think that your family is more important than your husband’s? Why do you want him to ignore his family and ‘cleave unto yours’? How did you convince him that his mother isn’t hurt by this?My son has been married for 30 years, and in all that time, he’s ignored me and spent time with his in-laws. I hold my tongue because it would make things worse if I did not. Everyone thinks my son and his family are the greatest. She and her family are shrewd, and my son is spineless and blind. Worse, the grandchildren think I do not deserve to be treated any better.My son has siblings, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles and cousins who are all ignored. Of course, they know where we are when they want a gift. But there is never a thank-you note or even so much as a photo of the children.”—From “Venting” via “Annie’s Mailbox,” 15 July 2017
What say you, married women of earth? Please explain yourselves to the closest mother-in-law. Any one will do, since this is a universal letter of grievances endured by the faultless mothers of husbands the world over, and definitely not a very specific harangue about an individual woman and a dipshit husband who doesn’t spend nearly enough time with someone who thinks he’s the worst asshole ever.
“My wife and I have been married for 17 years. For the first 16 years, my wife would make me lattes without being asked. Last year, she announced she would no longer make any more lattes for me. When I asked her if she expected me to go the rest of my life without one, she said yes!Do you think it would be OK if I found another female to make lattes for me? Wouldn’t that woman be doing my wife a favor? Hint: I am not really talking about lattes.”—From “NO MORE LATTES IN KOKOMO” via “Dear Abby,” 19 July 2017
Dear No More Lattes,
What a clever ruse you have constructed here! At first, the reader is led to believe that you have a harmless quandary about your coffee intake, but upon closer inspection, the more astute among us may surmise, if we pay very close attention, that in fact a “latte” is an ingenious double entendre of your own uniquely inventive creation. What a remarkable and nubile mind you have! How ungrateful your wife is in her refusal to accommodate your every sexual demand, blessed as she is by the company of someone who operates at such an elevated level of linguistic dexterity.
There is nothing at all facile about equating caffeinated beverages with a grown-ass human being’s right to decide not to engage in certain, or any, sexual activities, which is what makes your playful inquiry about committing adultery as a personal courtesy to your spouse so very reasonable. One finds oneself agog at how a person could find oneself uninterested in doing the sexual bidding of a wit of such a caliber as your own! You owe it not just to your wife, but to the wider world, to offer up to another lucky female the grand privilege of doing a sex on you, a crafter of unparalleled wordsmithery. Advise your lifelong helpmeet that you have done her the kindness of stepping out on your marriage and she may provide you with a few further phrases of some usefulness.
“My 45-year-old daughter got a large tattoo on her inner arm. Imagine my surprise when I finally saw it. I said to her, ‘Is that real?’ She laughed and said, ‘Yes.’ Nothing further was said during my visit except for once when I stated, ‘I don’t like tattoos.’That was three years ago. Life went on, and the tattoo dissolved, for me, into the background of our relationship.Now, she has sent me pictures of her with her dogs, husband, friends, etc., and I am seeing another tattoo. We are planning another visit. What do I say, if anything?She obviously wants me to notice. This is a woman who has a very responsible job, but is choosing (in my opinion) to defile her body.It’s probably generational, but I can’t stand to see my daughter with tattoos. I just don’t know how to approach it. I think I got it wrong last time. Please tell me what to say.”— From “Tattoo Hater” via “Ask Amy,” Washington Post, 18 July 2017
Dear Tattoo Hater,
How upsetting that after nearly 50 years of life on earth, your daughter has come to the conclusion that her body is hers to do with as she wishes. Her one-word acknowledgment of the existence of her first tattoo in response to a direct inquiry about its fundamental nature is all the evidence anyone needs to see that she has an unhealthy and bizarre obsession with making sure you notice the appalling effort she has put into disgracing herself — and more importantly, her mother — through the application of ink to skin, a gross violation of a daughter’s sacred duty to oblige the aesthetic preferences of her parent.
The most important thing is to find the right way to tell your daughter that you find her body repulsive; it has been three long years since the last time you told her that you don’t like tattoos, and that approach obviously did not compel her into compliance. Since it is inconceivable that she merely does not consider your thoughts about tattoos to be relevant to her own decision to get tattoos or not, is it possible she did not hear you express your dislike? Any sensible person would have invited you to explain your disgust for her body at length and apologized profusely for displeasing a matriarch in this way; instead, your daughter carried on as if her mother’s individual taste in bodily adornment was not the sole motivating factor behind her choices. Lest this grave insult carry further into your daughter’s middle age, it is essential to convey your disapproval for your child’s revolting physical form, lest she continue to cruelly taunt you by volunteering no information whatsoever about her tattoos and failing entirely to ask your direct opinion on them. The right expression of abject horror at her appearance is likely to erase your daughter’s tattoos entirely.
Speak up now! None of us knows how much time we have left on this earth, and tomorrow is never promised. Don’t let you, or your daughter, grow any closer to death without making sure she knows you can’t stand the sight of her. If you stay silent, you may have many more years of interacting with your daughter, and that’s not what you deserve.